What it is
Jennifer Crocker and Connie Wolfe named them contingencies of self-worth: the domains where a person believes they have to succeed to be worthwhile, like looks, competence, being good, approval, winning, family love, or faith. The question isn’t only whether your self-esteem is high or low, but what it rests on.
Chasing worth in those domains brings short highs when you succeed, and feels like a threat to your whole self when you fail. Research links external contingencies, like appearance, competition and grades, to more problems, and internal ones, like virtue, to fewer. When worth is threatened in one area, people can become less supportive of the people around them.
How it shows up for me
For a long time my worth rested on being competent and useful. A bad day at work felt like proof I was worth less as a person. Noticing the contingency didn’t remove it, but it gave me a question: am I doing this, or am I trying to prove something?