What it is
Performance is showing competence without being present: care used as a technique, an identity built around looking like the right person in the room. Belonging is being recognized as you are, without paying that performance tax.
When love was conditional growing up, the brain can learn an equation early on: performance equals love. It works for a while. It’s also exhausting, and lonely, because nobody ever meets the person behind the work.
How it shows up for me
I learned that equation young, and I still catch myself running it. A hug that’s really about looking like a good dad is performance pointed at a child.
The correction I’m practicing is truth over image. Less looking right, more being here.